Category: dating

Maybe it’s Time to Move on, or How Holding Onto a Broken Relationship Can be Doing You More Harm than Good

“Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn’t” – Dan Savage “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” – Albert Einstein … Continue reading Maybe it’s Time to Move on, or How Holding Onto a Broken Relationship Can be Doing You More Harm than Good

Breaking the silence…and today’s topic: The forbidden fruit

Read time: a little longer than some recently, but still easy to fit around a good mug of coffee, and from what I’ve heard, a somewhat entertaining look into my psyche. I will upload some lovely photos to accompany these meandering thoughts when I have the chance, but right now my internet connection is just too terrible.
Soooo…as I mentioned in my last entry (I’m aware it was long long ago now), due to a technical glitch, the post I was writing vanished. I therefore had to rewrite it…followed by which, I made the sudden decision to leave Switzerland, and I took up work on a farm in England. The jump from virtually no work at all to 85+ hours per week has absolutely destroyed me, and I’ve had another distracting factor too, hence the total silence on these pages up to this point, but here, finally, I have something for you. And in fact, that same distracting factor was today the one who inspired me to come back and get a new post online. Well, I say “new post”…for those of you unfortunate enough to have read my old blog of years past, this may sound suspiciously familiar. (85 hours a week, people! I’m trying here) If it sounds too familiar, just try reading it in a different voice. Trust me, it’ll feel totally new and fresh. Aaand it has been modified and updated. Anyway, lets jump right in…
Picture the scenario: you meet a pretty girl (or guy, whatever tickles your tackle), you start chatting over a few drinks, you hit it off, and while drinking games and other shenanigans unfold around you, she moves to sitting on your knee, gazing into your eyes, arms around your neck… OK, getting a little specific there I feel. Let’s start again: blah blah blah pretty girl, spark of attraction, all is wonderful, only for you to discover after an hour of chatting that she actually has a boyfriend. That maybe happens a little more than the norm when most people you meet are just traveling through the country on holiday, but the issue remains, and it can happen to anyone. Do you instantly think, ‘oh well, that’s a shame, but clearly this one’s not for me?’ Unfortunately, I do not. As soon as I find out she’s not available, I only want her more. The same goes if she’s leaving the city or the country to return to some other far-off mysterious land…really if anything gets in the way of us being together, it only serves to turn the spark into a raging fire of lust. Trust me, I’ve spent far too much money on spontaneous romantic quests to find these girls in their faraway places, and it’s just not healthy for me or my wallet.
I know the idea of wanting the forbidden fruit is familiar to many people, and apparently especially guys (correct me if I’m wrong on that one). Having done some soul-searching and commented on this affliction to some friends, the response I received on more than one occasion was, “of course you want what you can’t have; you’re a guy!” I also know some girls whose minds move in similar ways, but I seem to be worse for it than anyone else I’ve met. “I have a boyfriend” or “I live in blah blah country on the other side of the world” just doesn’t seem to affect me. Well no, I lie – it makes me immensely sad, but it doesn’t deter me one iota. So why is this?!
It’s certainly a frustrating torment, as I’m sure anyone who’s ever felt the same way would agree. While not the same as unrequited love, it has some similar attributes. Having got back in touch with one such person in my own life a while back after a period of almost no contact, and so having it foremost in my mind, I spent a while thinking about what might cause such a mindset. I know I’m not doing it for malicious reasons – at least not malicious towards anyone but myself – as the people involved (there have only been very few such people, they have just had a big impact) have always been girls I cared about, people whose friendship I valued and whom I would never harm. When you’re in such a situation, if you actually take the time to stop to think about it realistically, you can see the chances of success are slim to none, that you’re likely riding for a fall, that you’re going to get hurt. And yet, it’s never the rational part of your mind that wins these arguments. The brain fights its corner, it tells me I’m being an idiot, and the heart just comes out with a baseball bat and smacks it into submission. Passion wins, again.
I’m no psychologist, but I’ve come to a couple of conclusions on the subject. For me at least, partly it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. Some people will fall over laughing when they hear that, but others know it’s definitely true. When I meet someone I connect with, someone I’m attracted to mentally and physically, there’s part of me that cannot comprehend why we cannot be together. Love should transcend all, right? A little problem like thousands of kilometres of ocean or a boyfriend shouldn’t get in the way of the beautiful connection we have and the all the wonder and happiness it could lead to.
A friend recently made me aware of another possible reason; it is the ultimate safe option. What I mean is that if you’re lacking confidence to begin with and expecting no chance of success, then pursuing someone impossible virtually guarantees that nothing can happen. You can’t fail, as there was never any real possibility of winning. Chances are you just get caught up in the romanticism of it all, factors outside your control prevent anything real from happening, and your love dies a noble death, going down fighting. Focusing on this unattainable dream also keeps you from really trying anything else with those around you, people who, in theory, may be a far better match, or at least with whom you’d have a higher chance of success due to their single status or simple presence in the same country. This in itself gives safety: you can’t try (and possibly strike out – oh, the terror!) with that girl as you’re too focused on your alluringly impractical and improbable dream. Or at least that was my friend’s opinion. A very valid point…but one with which I now completely disagree – in my own situation anyway. In the past it might have been different, but now, when I go after that girl 2600km away who takes my breath away every day, it is because I have found a connection, and I want to pursue it to the end of the earth, and I truly want to find out if it can be something more, statistics and difficulties be damned!
There’s also the challenge of it all. Everyone loves the chase, and having extra obstacles thrown in the way only makes it trickier and so therefore more satisfying when you can defy the odds and achieve the impossible. From personal experience, whenever there’s been no chase at all, I have immediately got bored, stupid and sad as it is to say. I might wish circumstances were different, but if there’s no challenge then it feels like there’s no reward at the end. A few thousand kilometres or a doorman to the party (/boyfriend) just adds a little extra spice and ups the ante. It’s still totally achievable, it’ll just take a little more effort, right? I keep telling myself so…
Finally (for now…be warned, I have plenty more thoughts on this!), it’s all rather beautiful, almost poetic at times. The love forbidden by circumstances outwith our control, the impossible desires. This is some Romeo and Juliet shit right here…maybe not feuding families to deal with, but fate and the elements standing in the way. Movie after poem after book has been written about the obstacles that stand in the way of love, the villains and the impracticalities, so we’re conditioned to want to believe it can all work out and we really can end up with the girl of our dreams. There’s a unique mystery to it all. Ours was a love denied – “if only” *gazes wistfully into the sunset as dramatically string-laden melodic love music plays in the background*. Ahem… Aaaaanyway, where was I? Something something masochism versus self-preservation
Well those are my thoughts for tonight. For me personally, I know it’s also because I easily become so focused that I simply lose track of the practicalities of a situation, and forget about everything and everyone else aside from that one who’s caught my eye and stolen my heart. If I had an idea of how to shake this habit, I’d be happy to work on it, because I know it brings me anguish and heartache, but as things stand I have not the faintest idea. Many of us love the idea of having what we’re not allowed, it’s part of the human condition I suppose, and therefore difficult to beat. I’ve simply come to accept that this is how things are, and one of these days, the chase will run its course and the reward at the end will make every chase that ever came before worthwhile. I’ll make the journey of 1000 miles, I’ll cross the oceans, and she will be waiting for me with open arms. Shut up, I can dream.